I have always wanted to be your friend, always wanted to break that wall that separates your world from mine. I realized I wasn’t only interested of being your friend, but I know wishing too much is being too greedy already. So I just kept on wishing and thinking if there are ways in which I can penetrate through that great vast wall between you and me, only to realize that you’re not interested.
Knocking endlessly, I was the crooked, creepy stranger outside your door. Though I know you found me all annoying, still I kept on pursuing. I thought of climbing over, digging under, and even go round about that giant wall just to have the chance to enter to your barred domain. When in desperate attempt I tried everything I thought would work, you came along and opened the backdoor to let me in. I thought you chose the back because you were too ashamed to let other people know you let someone undeserving like me enter your premises. But i was wrong–you never intended to open the door for me at all. I came to know that you opened that tiny door for something else. But I was determined to get through, oblivious of the foreboding consequences lurking over me.
I was so big and the backdoor was so small that it took great effort to push myself in. I was too impetuos to get in that i didnt think of anything else aside from entering the passage so freely opened before me. I was too rash to know that it wasn’t opened for me so I thrust myself in, anyway. Regardless of my unfitness, I conquered the task laid out before me with so great a risk of either breaking the wall, or breaking myself. The odds I was fighting agaisnt should never be underestimated in this so vulnerable a moment and so slim a chance.
However impassable it may seem, I manage to get through just in time to see the hope gleaming into my fog-shrouded soul. From the depths of despair, I struggled to inhale the air of ecstasy. I hold my breath, not wanting to ruin the breathless moment of my life–I was drinking in the sight of the brightest star in my moonless night. Just as my preoccupied mind never fail to be fascinated and be mesmerized by your presence, I started to feel the cold ghastly air solidifying into a hard lump churning in my stomach. I stood there, motionless. Almost invariably, I watched and waited for the light of that beautiful smile I had always wanted to flash before me. The foolish part of my heart was shouting, wishing, and even begging for the sign of happiness to show in your face as it proudly shows in mine.
The defeaning silence struck like a fist into my gut, forcing me to choke out the words I know I would soon regret to have said.
“Am I welcome?”
I was still waiting… Dead silence filled the room. I was almost slipping away behind the wall of silence and indifference as your painful words left unspoken hangs in every fiber of my being, their invisible weight oppresive enough to drag me down into the deepest nook of the earth. I was helpless to stop the inevitable rejection smirking sardonically beyond those unopened lips. The next words stopped me cold.
“who said you were?”
My eyes found yours unerringly in the gloom. Your eyes narrowed, my countenance fell. I suppose I had been too proud to listen to the thoughts I had previously conceived. But those thoughts I erroneously rejected are the very same thoughts that could have saved me from the terrible pang of regret, had I chose to listen to it. I listened as the throbbings of my heart echoed the regrets i have accumulated through time–regret for the things that might have been, but never would be. I tried to shut the words, tried to detach myself from the throb of remorse reverberating in my chest. I smiled–probably the worst faked smile the world has ever known. But it didn’t make me feel any better nor did it make me feel less alone. My life was falling apart the same moment when I hoped that that wall should have fallen instead. Finally, I did the best thing I could have done that was left for me to do at that moment–I walked away. Slowly pacing, I drag my feet noiselessly towards the door in which I compelled myself to enter right from the start. This time the door wasn’t as small as it had appeared to be the ment I forcefully entered in. I raised my head to see how far and wide the door seemed to hold itself as wide as possible for me to find my way out. It was as easy and effortless for me to get out as it had been the other way around when I tried to get in. Before I took my last step, I turned to look back on you and hoped for a wave of goodbye. But even that last gesture I wished to see you heartlessly deprived me of. I nod and continued treading on my way out of that darkened realm of unforgettable past.